I don’t do White Elephant Exchanges or Dirty Santa games.
I don’t want to steal someone else’s gift.
And I’d rather not be the butt of someone’s joke.
I’m not sure the when or how these games made the cross-over from Christmas office parties to Sunday school fellowships, Youth Group parties, and Women’s Ministry events, but I wish they never had.
Did we somehow forget the 8th commandment, “thou shall not steal”?! (See Exodus 20:15.)
White elephant and dirty Santa games have no place at our church events.
I readily admit I participated in my fair share when I belonged to a mommy group (not church-related) back in the day.
I have seen grown women cry over gifts that were “stolen” from them.
I have watched women whimper when a gift they really wanted was taken away.
I’ve seen moms want to die of embarrassment.
Friendships were tested.
And it broke my heart and made me ashamed to have been a part of it.
Our churches should not be a place of embarrassment or intentional hurt.
It’s just not worth it for a few laughs.
No gift is worth making someone feel worthless.
Whether the goal is stealing gifts to get the best gift or trying to end up with the best of the gag gifts, neither feels very Christ-like.
Games that undermine the unity of our groups or hurt the feelings of our women have no place in our ministries.
God’s given us a great opportunity at Christmas to love others. Let’s do it well!
Consider one of these alternative ideas and promote unity and goodwill among your women.
12 Alternatives to Dirty Santa Games
1. Host a Favorite Things Party – Pinterest is loaded with ideas. I like the way Bri did this with the women at her church.
2. Give gifts to your homebound Members/Local Nursing Home/Women’s Shelter.
3. Ask everyone to bring a $5 gift and use the Left-Right Christmas Story or Left Right Nativity story to distribute the gifts.
4. Ask everyone to bring a $5 ornament and have an ornament exchange
5. Have an Operation Christmas Child Packing Party, in early November unless you live near a processing center.
6. Give the gift of time and volunteer together at a local food pantry, shelter, or Ronald McDonald House.
7, Decorate Christmas cookies or cupcakes to take to the local hospital for the nurses.
8, Plan a Christmas party for your local Women’s shelter or children’s home and give them each a bag filled with toiletries and treats.
9. Adopt children in need from a local school. Spend the wrapping their gifts and writing our Christmas cards for them.
10, Send packages overseas to men and women serving in the military.
11. Bless a missionary with a care package and Christmas cards.
12. Assemble the Gift of No Dishes together as an outreach into each woman’s neighborhood.
Before you consider me a Scrooge, please take a moment to read the comments women have posted below.
Feelings really do get hurt by white elephant and dirty Santa games.
It’s not worth the risk.
You may also want to check out:
How to Love on Women Who Have Been Wounded by the Church
31 Christmas Fellowship Ideas
10 Tips for Your Christmas Coffee
Icebreaker: Christmas Connection
Christmas Roll & Poll
Icebreaker: The Great Christmas Candy Pass
Christmas Icebreaker: Pick-a-Side
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Thank you so much for not only speaking against this sinful tradition in our congregations but also for so many Messiah honoring alternatives that focus on bringing glory to Him alone!
My background is from Jewish Messianic ministries where I have never seen these traditions of making light of the sin of coveting or stealing .
Thank you for the grace God has given you in addressing this.
Tim, thank you so much for your encouraging comments on this post. It’s one that tends to step on a lot of toes! 🙂
I totally agree!
RE: White Elephant or Dirty Santa games
I love this site and all the different tools and inspiration on here. Thank you for taking the time to do this. It truly is a blessing!!
You are so very welcome! <3
Thank you for the article on “Why I don’t like the stealing game at Christmas parties”. I feel it is degrading and humiliating. I stopped going to our annual Ladies’ party just for this reason.
Oh Charlotte, I am so sorry you’ve experienced the damage of these types of games. I pray other leaders will heed your warning.
Thank you for this. I came to your site because I heard you speak on this on one of your podcasts and I needed an alternatives for my Women’s Ministry Christmas Party this weekend. I completely get the feeling hurt during these games. We used to play them all the time at church leadership events (several different churches) and I can’t tell you how many times I have been hurt, taken home a nasty gift or ended up with the same gift I brought because I refused to steal from someone else but people always stole from me. People have commented that no one ever gets hurt or people that do spoil it for everyone else. I can tell you I hid it very well and no one at the party ever knew how hurt my heart was by the way I was treated or how embarrassed I was by some of the actions of others during the games. I remember going home and crying afterward and the hurt lingers in my heart whenever I think about playing these games again. I thank you so much for giving me many alternative ways to handle our gift exchange this year! I would never want someone to leave my party feeling the way I have after some of those experiences. It’s not about how mature they are, it’s about loving one another as Christ loved us. I want every person who enters my house to feel the love of Christ while there.
**
Another alternative idea that I just remembered and did enjoy was an exchange we did for the leaders of a different group I was part of. We each brought a cup, mug, travel mug, etc. – that was something that could be used frequently. We drew numbers and people got to choose by number one that they thought they would use during the year and committed to praying for the person who brought it each time they used the cup. No stealing and relationships were built as we reached out to the person we were praying for to learn their needs during the year.
Joanna, thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry you were hurt. <3 I agree - it is about loving one another as Christ loved us. I appreciate the alternative idea too - what a great way to commit to praying for one another.
Thank you Joanna. I agree with you.
i dont care for those elephant christmas theme games either!
Thanks for speaking up, Brenda. I hope leaders will listen. <3
Thank you for writing this! I am searching dirty Santa alternatives after an experience at a favorite things party last night and dreading some version of the game that certain members of my family always want us all to play. Last night I was looking forward to hearing the ladies talk about the gifts they brought. Then, as the procedure was being explained, someone suggested that we do a round of stealing at the end, as they had apparently done last year. My thought was…nooo!!! But why?? LOL, So after reading the comments here, I thought I could share my newly inspired two cents. — I’m sure we can agree that God in his infinite wisdom created us all to have different strengths (and therefore weaknesses). We know 1 Corinthians 12-13, that we are all important parts of the body of Christ, the church and especially Ch 12, verse 26: “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” I believe the Enneagram personality types display this wonderfully, and help us understand each other and therefore not see each other’s tendencies as negatively. Some enjoy a challenge that sharpens them for leadership, while some find it too harsh for their tender, sensitive hearts that help them care for those in need. Some are made better to plow, others to sew or reap, perhaps? So maybe we shouldn’t say “stealing” isn’t Christlike, or that those who can’t “play it right” should lighten up, but try to come up with a variety of activities that will allow each of the participants to exercise the strengths they’ve been given in a way that brings God the glory. An optional fun/silly skill/luck game with one winner that lets the competitive exercise their grit and focus and the joyful laugh-seekers their fun and humor, and then a round of favorite things gifts to be shared about (and maybe an extra of each donated) to give the thoughtful and sensitive a chance to exercise their kindness and generosity. Could that capture the best of both worlds without robbing anyone of their fun or joy? Didn’t mean to go on this long, but I guess it turned into some “thinking out loud”. Thanks to all for sharing their thoughts and helping me (hopefully) solve this conundrum for myself, ha!
Melissa, I appreciate your thoughtful reply. I think if we focus on encouraging the fruit of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) through all of our women’s ministry activities it will glorify God. We can also consider our game selections as an opportunity to encourage unity of the body of Christ. When God and His Word are the focus, it makes our decisions easier.
I always felt that this game was cruel and tasteless. I went to a whole church Christmas party a year ago which did this “game”. It seems pointless for a participant to “chose” a gift if it was only going to be taken from them. It is not really a choice then, is it? Then I spent the rest of the night concerned about who would or would not have their gift stolen instead of saying…hey, what did you get? It is not fun and seemed mean spirited.
In fact, I have never seen one where i did not witness or experience some kind of, if not hurt feelings, then at least let down. I have heard this from several other women and their experiences of such a game.
No one likes having something that is supposedly ” yours,” taken away from them. How is that fun? Sooo not appropriate for Christmas, especially at a church function. Leave college prank or bachelor party games to the secular society and the immature youth who created them. This is not the appropriate setting for practical jokes. Are we not to rise above or grow out of such base activities?
It is certainly not ladylike to take something away from another. Don’t little children get scolded if they “take the toy they were playing with from anothers hands” even if the toy does not “belong to them”? Bad role models to do this as adults and call it a game. Not in my house.
Should not be in Our Lords house either.
The funnest Christmas work gift exchanges I have experienced are the ones where if you bring a gift, you get to chose a gift, and KEEP IT. At the end, if people wish to trade with someone else as an adult, that would be respectable. I don’t respect stealing even as make believe. i know…lets play a game called ‘i am taking away your Christmas gift because i like it more than mine or i want to have power over you and take something you like just because you like it.’ No thank you.” Who would create such a game? I will give you one hint…Screwtape! (CS Lewis) who is surely laugh at us.
The phrase ‘Shame on you!’ comes to mind. I would not take someone else’s gift they liked as that would be unkind. So, I guess i have never really ‘played along’ . I have brought gifts to exchanges only to learn upon arrival they were for white elephant. And if you don’t wish to play such a game, this already segregates you for duration of the party. That does not seem very Christlike or Christmas-like to me.
There are so many other options to not stoop to this level of degradation. It is not being dramatic to feel this way. But it can be dramatic to observe this game. A gift exchange should not be a competition or practical joke.
Thank you Cyndee, for speaking up about this. It is about time someone said something.
You are the only person I have leaned who has had the gumption to openly not be a fence sitter on this issue and stand up when our conscience (the Spirit) tells us in our guts that something is not of God.
Things of God never would have the potential to break his own commandment of taking something away from them which they liked or lead us not into temptation to covet something which is not ours etc. or being unkind in any form. Let us not be used by the Father of lies.
Even several of the comments here put you/others down in regards to experiences or feelings about these “games” , which is both unkind and separating. Certainly not supportive and uplifting.
How is that of God? Hint…it is not!
Some wrote about it not being stealing “in their opinion.” Who put that opinion in their head?
The only opinion which counts is Gods, and in Gods opinion, truth and stealing are not subjective.
I cant believe your post would be met with such hostility!
May you be blessed by your courage, dear lady!
Lorilyn, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences. <3 I pray many leaders will read it and consider it as they make plans.
Our small group loves this game. We all purchase things we’d like to get for under $10 (we have a no gag gift rule). Everyone ends up with something good, usually cute or edible. I’ve never, in my 40 years seen anyone be upset about a gift. Even in big work parties. If someone is, that’s a heart issue and as a leader, you might want to address it. Nothing belongs to anyone until the end anyways. That may be something to state from the beginning. Now if you have a group if really sensitive/ hormonal women (no judgment, this can happen) then don’t play it. There are tons of other options. But to argue white elephant is morally wrong is just way too fundamentalist for my taste. Are we leading lions or sheep?
Kristin, if you take a quick read through the comments I think you’ll see for many women this type of game causes division and hurt feelings – even if they hide them from you. As a ministry of the church, I believe there are better ways we (women’s ministry teams) can use our time together at Christmas to bless others and focus on Christ’s birth.
Wow! Are we really going to sulk and be jealous because someone got something we wanted or something nicer than us? Good practice of being happy for those who have something that we don’t. What about the commandment not to Covet?
Beth, as leaders in the church we have a responsibility to provide a safe place where women feel welcome and encounter Christ. I wrote this article to shine a light on the hurt that these types of games often cause. I’ve received numerous messages and comments from women that were humiliated and even bullied by others during the play of these games.
There are so many other activities we could choose to do instead (I offer a number of alternative games and activities on this site) that would encourage our women as they celebrate Christ’s birth. There are also many ministries and organizations that would greatly benefit from gifts and donations.
I despise the white elephant game. I have seen men and women throw a ring tailed fit because someone took their gift, and others laughed at them like it was all one big joke. It wasn’t funny in the least.
It’s supposed to be a fun, harmless little game, but it isn’t. When Christian people are losing their tempers and behaving most un-Christ like over a game, then folks need to find an alternative game.
At our last church Christmas party several of us made homemade cookies and candy. Then we packed them in cute paper Christmas containers and distributed them to the party guests. Everyone got something nice and no one’s feelings were hurt and not tempers flares.
Grace, I appreciate your honesty. I love how you all have redeemed an activity that wasn’t benefiting your attendees. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I just wanted to comment because I felt like I was the only person who hates this game so I did a Google search for “I hate dirty santa game” and found this. I don’t necessarily feel convicted about the stealing part, but it just seems mean-spirited and anti-Christmas to me. Competing and stealing to make sure I GET the best gift. We do it every year at my family gathering and I’m pretty sure I’ve cried ahead of time every year just because I hate it. I still participate, but I do find it to be embarasing and mean. Even when nobody is actually being mean. When I was little I loved watching TVS Bloopers and Practical Jokes. I liked the bloopers, but when it came time for the practical joke I would sit there crying because it felt mean to me. This game gives me those same feelings. It may sound silly and I know it’s not done to be mean or anything…I just hate it.
Tracie, thank you for your honesty and your comments. I agree – it does seem very mean-spirited and anti-Christmas. You are not alone in feeling this way. I pray those who read this post will hear your heart and reconsider using this game at their event.
The white elephant is a game so the essence is get a thing from home that is usable or get a gift that is worth $15 or even lower In my opinion, this is not stealing perse’ It’s a game and should not be taken personally. I research about if white elephant is a Christian thing or not and found this discussion. I was shocked to hear from a churchmate this morning that she does not like white elephant because it is stealing. What? I understand now why for some this is not Christlike. So we can add a rule in the church white elephant in the church.
1.0 this is not a personal gift to be valued and be offensive about
2.0 this is a game
3.0 stealing the gift if part of the game and people should know this is not the kind of stealing as mentioned in the Bible. This is my opinion: okay to have fun as long as the game is explained
4.0 the lesser the value the better so there is no expectation.
Reading through gives me different perspective of Christian community about white elephant. Thank you.
Luz, I am glad you were open to reading a different perspective on this game and that you now understand why it is not Christlike. While I appreciate your attempt to add rules, we cannot, unfortunately, control how others will respond or behave. If the goal is having fun, I encourage you to check out the Christmas icebreaker games on this site.
There are so many other activities we could participate in instead at a church Christmas celebration that would encourage all in attendance and point them to the real reason for the season. Perhaps your women would enjoy purchasing a gift that would benefit others at a local women’s shelter.
As I read these comments, I find myself shaking my head. Grown adults getting their feelings hurt over a game? What have we come to? What happened to “it is more blessed to give than to receive?” (If you want to bring the Spiritual element into this.) In “real life” you don’t always get what you want. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. It’s a white elephant gift, after all!!! I’m sorry, I just can’t…….but God bless you as you try to come to grips with this.
Karen, I am thankful that there are many other ways we can celebrate the birth of Christ without risking hurt feelings.
I agree with Karen’s response- it’s pretty sad that people don’t have a sense of humor, it’s a light hearted game! What are you going to tear down next? Is the game Checkers ungodly because someone has poor logic and can’t stand the thought of losing? There is an entire world out there with real issues and actual suffering all around us, this article just seems insanely dramatic and self-centered.
Lauren, as leaders in the church we have a responsibility to provide a safe place where women feel welcome and encounter Christ. I wrote this article to shine a light on the hurt that these types of games often cause. I’ve received numerous messages and comments from women that were humiliated and even bullied by others during the play of these games.
There are so many other activities we could choose to do instead (I offer a number of alternative games and activities on this site) that would encourage our women as they celebrate Christ’s birth. There are also many ministries and organizations that would greatly benefit from gifts and donations.
And hide it well they do!!! I know many ladies who have gone home with “junk” or “trashy” gifts that they wouldn’t even give to Goodwill…they deposit it in the trash. Many do not stick to the dollar limit and that either overwhelms or disappoints the receiver. I have even witnessed women being verbally embarrassed because the gift that bought was “inadequate” due to having a lesser income. Not a big fan of the game!!! And, I never even gave thought to the stealing aspect!
Kevyn, thank you for your comments! It’s so sad how a seemingly innocent game can cause so much drama and hurt feelings. We can do so much better!
I fully understand your points. One thing I think helps in our small group is to have a themed gift within a specific price range ($5-10)… we’ve done socks, body stuff, games, candles, ornaments, scarves, etc. We agree on the gift type, then everyone buys that chosen gift. There are still those who may have wanted particular socks, but in the end, we all got socks! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experience!
I came across your article when searching white elephant gifts. Our ladies are having an after Christmas White Elephant gift exchange this month. They know up front the gifts are to be fun/funny, and will have the possibility of being stolen. I understand the concept could hurt feelings if this were real Christmas or another occasion’s gifts, but knowing in advance that this is what we will be doing, I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. Just good clean fun, and lots of notice that that’s what we’ll be doing.
Sherri, thanks for your comment. I hope it goes as you have planned!
Thanks for this!
Our group has done a left-right ornament exchange twice now, lots of laughs and ladies love to see what everyone else got!
Another problem with gift exchanges and secret Santas is it automatically excludes those with lower income. Even $5 is too much for some of my ladies. But homemade and “vintage” ornaments are some of the most exclaimed over.
Elisabeth, thank you for your comments! Encouraging homemade and vintage ornaments are an excellent idea!!
I think the max price is important to follow. One might think they’re being generous (this was secret Santa with names drawn) but I was next to a woman who was mortified to receive a small appliance. Maybe the giver had an extra or found a great sale, but it was so nuch more than the other gifts that it was out of place
Gaila, a great point! Some women loved to find a great deal and end up purchasing gifts with a much greater value than the “limit”. It can be helpful to phrase it as a “value of X dollars”.
Just attended a gift exchange party where somebody got stuck with a soiled Santa garden gnome wrapped in a garbage bag. The lady accepted it graciously without grumbling. This speaks volumes about her heart. However, I don’t think Jesus would have brought a gift like this to the party. Let’s give what we would want to receive without embarrassing others. It isn’t funny or Christ like. Let’s also practice the attitude of gratitude.
Oh, Marcie! That is terrible… Thank you for sharing what happened. Ugh…
Sad part is about the stealing n not everyone who gets hurt let’s anyone know they r hurt, I can see where people might leave ghe church or group or whatever or lose sight of Christians altogether, it is it seems so wrong to me.
So grateful to see this addressed!!! Unfortunately, some 20 years ago I was humiliated ( and I admit I pouted – wasn’t pretty) at an office dirty Santa game. I’d gotten a beautiful set of Christmas dishes. The girl in the office whom everyone knew hated me made a production of taking the dishes. I was hurt and embarrassed. And she continued to taunt me in the office after the party. It was so bad my Supervisor actually left the office and went and bought me a set of Christmas dishes. It was a kind gesture but I could never look at those dishes without thinking of my co-worker. I was so embarrassed by my reaction I swore to never play that game again. Interestingly, a co-worker who was Jewish came to me to tell me how sorry she was I was embarrassed publicly. She said, “I don’t understand the point of this game. Last night we were at my husband’s office party and they played this game. A woman got a beautiful snowglobe she truly loved and one of the men stole it. She was truly hurt and he felt so bad he gave it back before she left.” That solidified my resolve to not play again – because I did not behave in a Christ-like manner.
Oh, Libby! Bless your heart… Thank you for sharing your story. I hate that it happened, but pray God will use it to prick the hearts of others. Hugs to you! <3
I totally agree!!! I have never liked these “competitions”!!!
Sandra, we’d get along well! 🙂
Thanks for your post. I do not like these types of games at all. Christ followers should not in my opinion even be asked to participate. The bad part is when you try to tell someone you are uncomfortable with these games they insult you by saying “grow up” or “it’s all in fun.” Some people enjoy watching people fall down steps or slip and fall. I do not! Really, this is secularism in my view. Would Christ think it was fun or funny?
Thank you for your comments… it grieves my heart that we as Christians will shame each other into doing things… In the world, not of this world.
I was glad to find your post. The women’s group at my church decided we would go out for dinner at our last meeting before Christmas, which was great. Then, at our next service (day before planned dinner) there is a note in the bulletin, saying we should bring a “white elephant gift”, which is to be something we already have in our home. The next day, there is an email to the same effect, but saying that people don’t have to participate if they don’t want to. This aggravates me. First, I don’t know where this idea came from – it wasn’t brought up at our previous meeting, where we agreed on dinner. Second, I’ve been paring down my house – I’m low on things to just give away, and I don’t want more junk. Third, yes, they’ve said people can “opt out”, but how awkward is it for the person who has opted out to sit there while other people do whatever it is they’re going to do with these gifts? Anyway, this was going to be a fun dinner, but throwing this dumb gift thing in with no discussion has made me not want to go.
Ugh…I agree, being the person(s) to “opt out” is always awkward! I hope you’ll go anyway and extend grace. Thanks for sharing your experience – I hope other leaders will read it and take it into consideration. Merry Christmas and blessings to you!
Couldn’t agree more, Cyndee!
Thank you! 🙂
Hear, hear, ec. Done correctly, it’s a great game. And yes, the fun is in the “stealing.” (What in the world was given that embarrassed someone?)
Elizabeth, off the top of my head I can’t remember… Thanks for your comments!
Well I don’t know what kind of people you have around if the gift exchange has been manipulated so distastefully. Our youth group has always done this game and none of our very loving and considerate members ever cried or felt undermined. The trick is we set a budget. Everyones gift should be around $10, too high or too low doesn’t get counted. Why? because it keeps each gift fair. & they are mature enough to understand that that is how the game works, rules are set from the get-go. I guess if you know your group can’t handle that then completely discarding the game is fine but it isn’t fair to make it look like everyone would be so mean and malicious in a fun group game.
My post was not about whether or not a group can “handle” a dirty Santa or white elephant gift exchange, it was to point out that taking (stealing really) gifts or giving gifts that might embarrass the recipient is not Christ-like.
There are so many other ways (some of which I’ve listed above) to exchange gifts or give gifts that can be fun, encouraging, and loving.
I’d hate for anyone to go home after a church event hurt or upset (even if they hid it well)…
As I was searching how to word a warning to those who participate in this game; I am in awe that there are those who take God’s Word seriously.
The question I have for those which think this is okay in God’s eyes, how does this game honor and glorify God, how does it teach our children to be godly?
Simply put, it does the opposite. God’s Word is specific, Thou shalt not steal. It doesn’t say it’s okay if in fun, what if someone took your car because they thought it was fun? You would be furious. And let’s look at covetousness, the desire to have something someone else’s possession, does not God tell us to be content with what we have while seeking to abound. When God wants you to have something He will provide for you.
What are you teaching new Christians this time of year? At a time we should be honoring our Lord and Saviour we are teaching people it’s okay to do things which are directly opposed to the very Word of God. So, why would the lost want to become saved if there’s no difference?
Many thoughts on this. Don’t compromise trying to go to the event and sit it out, you will be shun by many and become a laughing stock, yes by the very people you attend church with.
Been there too many times, compromising the laws, statutes and commandments of God puts you on a very slippery slope doing great damage to your testimony and your ability to lead others to the saving grace of God.
Think about it…please. God loves you!!!
*correction…God tells us to be content.
Lori, thank you for speaking up and speaking out on this. I pray other leaders will read your comment and take it to heart! <3