One year ago we made the difficult decision to leave the church we were attending.
We were weekly attendees, members of a small group, and active in the church.
This wasn’t a decision we made quickly or lightly. To be honest, it was one we didn’t want to make.
Over several months God revealed some red flags, but it wasn’t until I was badly wounded that we knew we had to leave.
I can see now that God knew it would take a 2×4 experience to get me to move on. And a 2×4 is what I got.
I knew even then that my hurt had a purpose and it was part of God’s plan.
As truly awful and hurtful as that experience was, I thank God for giving me a glimpse of what women who are hurt and wounded by the church experience.
I shed a lot of angry tears.
Aware that Satan wanted nothing more than to sideline us, we visited another church the following Sunday.
Despite my desire to move past what happened, for months I struggled to heal.
I was wary of others in the church and stumbled over what to say when asked what brought us to the church we now attend.
Ladies, there are women in your church who have been wounded by the church and are struggling to heal.
They’ve been hurt deeply and they don’t feel they can trust the church not to hurt them again.
Having walked in the shoes of a wounded woman, I have some advice for you as you seek to love on the women wounded by the church.
If you even sense she’s been wounded, trust the Holy Spirit and tread carefully.
1. Don’t ask her to volunteer the first time you meet her.
It will feel like pressure and she’ll likely flee.
2. Don’t make a big deal out of her presence – this goes for all guests.
Have every table or discussion group introduce themselves, but don’t ask guests to stand or point out their presence to the entire group. They will run from the spotlight.
3. Give her a warm, but not smothering, welcome.
She’s dipping her toe into the water to check and see if it’s warm. If it’s not, she going to back up. She might try again at a later date, but probably not.
4. Repeatedly encourage her participation, but expect baby steps.
In many ways, she’s like a wounded animal trying to figure out who she can trust, and who she can’t. It may take weeks or months before she takes a step or trusts a soul. Let her just observe and watch.
5. Encourage healing.
For many women, sharing about a hurtful experience just adds fuel to the fire. They feel vindicated when someone takes their side and becomes upset over the injustice too. Don’t participate in gossip. Let her know you are sorry she was hurt and that you’ll be praying for her as she seeks to move forward and heal. *If there was abuse of any kind, encourage her to report it and seek professional counseling.
6. Extend grace.
She’s nervous and she may try too hard. She may even say something that comes across as less than friendly. Like a porcupine, she may have her quills out and be ready for a fight. Don’t give her one.
7. Don’t expect her to respond immediately to your efforts.
Her heart may be hardened. Pray God will soften it. Trust that God is working even if you can’t see it.
Time has brought healing
God led us to a church where I’ve been able to plug in without pressure.
I’ve come a long way in the last year, but I don’t know that I’ll ever forget the pain and hurt…
I’ve written and re-written this blog post almost a dozen times as I’ve wrestled with what to share, when to share, and how to share it.
With each revision God’s had me pull out more of the details. Sharing them would not bring glory to God.
Writing and re-writing my story has helped me to work through the pain and find healing.
If you’ve been wounded by the church I pray you’ll find healing too.
Lord, help us to be a safe place where women can find healing from the wounds inflicted by the church.
You may also want to read:
How to Minister to Spiritually Mismatched Women
How to Minister to Angry Women
Lowering Our Women Through the Roof
Book Review: Leading Women Who Wound
Encouragement: Blessing Bags
8 Ways to Encourage One Another
One year ago: 10 Productivity Tips for Women’s Ministry Leaders
Two years ago: 13 Ideas for Sprinkling Your Event with Christmas Music
Three years ago: Before Your Next Event
Four years ago: Why I Don’t Do White Elephant Exchanges
Five years ago: 31 Christmas Fellowship Ideas
I started going to a church near me 4 months ago, after not attending since a church 2003. I divorced in 1994 after 12 years of abusive marriage, I have no children, and haven’t dated since. I am happily single. My problem is, this new church is a loving church, seemed very welcoming, going out of their way to embrace new people. I guess it was as show, because after I confessed in a Women’s bible study on Wednesday night, that I was divorced after an abusive marriage, the other ladies have started shunning me. We had a nice Hawaiian dinner for the men and women last week, for married and single, and they didn’t include me in the fun. Pictures were taken, but I was left out. I sensed the other women are maybe afraid I’ll try and take their husbands? I don’t know. I am an outgoing person, and do chat with everyone, maybe I offended someone? Help. I am hurt and angry.
Lorretta, I apologize for not responding sooner. I am so very sorry this has happened to you. The church body can sometimes be very judgemental and unloving. I don’t know what their motivation was in this situation, but God does. I encourage you to pray and ask the Lord to reveal their hearts to you and to give you wisdom in how/if you are to respond. May God be your source of comfort and strength. <3
I have so appreciated your website, it has been equipping, encouraging, and fun! Different seasons and groups need different things and your diversity has been helpful, thanks. At our end of year meeting last year as we recapped events for the year I also welcomed all the ladies who were able to join us for the first time in hopes they wouldn’t feel left out since they couldn’t relate to the events being spoken of – I pray it didn’t have the opposite effect! Perhaps a more general welcome than an individual one to each publicly would have been sufficient, thanks for helping me see that perspective.
Sadly I recently had my 2 X 4 experience and we are now in the process of looking for a new church. So much of what you said rang true with me, still raw and hurting not wanting this to happen but I know God is big enough and healing will come.
May God bless your efforts as you seek Him and follow Him.
Vonda, thank you for your sweet and encouraging words. I am certain the women felt it came from a place of love! I am so sorry you’ve been hurt too. Praying God will quickly lead you to a new church home and that He will heal your heart. <3
Thank you so much for having a page about wounding in the church. We too have moved on – it has been a very painful journey – but one I pray will bring blessings also.
Oh, Annie… I am so very sorry for your hurt. Praying God will heal your heart. <3
I too was wounded by a pastors wife while I was in the process of learning what it takes to be one. Thank you for this article. I was so wounded by her that I didn’t think I was even capable of being anything. Now I am in a new town, a new church, and I lead other women as a Women’s director. Thank you for this wonderful article.
Oh, Kim, I am so sorry you were wounded, much less by a pastor’s wife. I pray God will use your experience to comfort others. <3
I feel your pain, intensely. Or maybe I should say I feel my pain all over again in every word you wrote and rewrote. I grieve for any woman, man, frankly wounded by the very ones who should have grown them in Christ. After nearly 40 years in full-time Christian service, I’ve had nearly every conceivable day hurled at me, not by Satan and his minions, but by Christian leadership. I felt like “Facing the Giants” was written nearly as my life story, except that some of the gorier details were left out. I understand David’s words in the Psalms when he discovered it was those he loved and trusted who betrayed him.
That said, I also see now somewhat of what God was doing. I desperately want to follow hard after God and use my life for his glory. So Christ had to fit me for service to a people who sometimes don’t even know themselves, let alone what their words and behavior are doing to others. Looking back, I think I am just beginning to understand the tapestry God is weaving in my life to better serve Him and those to whom He leads me.
I’m a slow learner. I’m just beginning to learn when to walk away, when not to let it sink in, when to open my heart. I’ve told God, I quit. I’ve told my husband, too. But God’s grace pulls me back and I’m learning to keep my eyes on Him, not the waves rolling around me. God is good, all the time and forever.
Thank you for your transparency. It is urgently needed for there are wounded women out there who can be drawn back to God by your words.
Oh, Tracy… my heart hurts for you… I am so sorry you’ve endured so much but am thankful that you can see how God is using it to refine you. Hugs to you, sweet sister in Christ. <3
This was an important blog post for me to read. My husband and I host a small group of people in our home for Bible study and prayer. As it turns out, each one is a wounded person and in need of restoration. Your what-not-to-do list is good advice. Each week we see them open up to one another and encourage each other. This is not a project, but a very slow healing that is absolutely amazing to watch. I know God has much more for them ahead, and has given them a ministry of reconciliation to others. Thank you for sharing this grace-filled message.
Linda, God bless you and your husband for loving on those who have been wounded and being a part of the healing process! <3
Cyndee, I am very sorry that you were hurt and will ask the Lord to continue to ease your pain and help you to forget. You are taking someone’s shameful behavior, and are using it to point others to the Lord. Thank you! We attend a church of 300+ a Sunday. A few years ago, we suffered a major blow from within the church, and everyone knew about it. Everyone. Many were very loving and walked alongside us. We will always thank the Lord for their encouragement and love. Some looked the other way, and I have learned that not everyone within a church building is going to live in a way that pleases the Lord. It’s not my job to change them. My amazing husband was able to forgive sooner than I was. The Lord helped me too, to grasp more fully His forgiveness and constant love. Since He forgives me every day, I had to forgive those who had publicly hurt us. The Lord used that terrible situation to draw us even closer to Him. We searched out comfort in His Word. We prayed more and sang a lot of hymns together. We knew the Lord hadn’t gone anywhere, but we spent a lot more time in His presence. Our children, extended family, friends and co-workers were watching, and we were able to share about God’s forgiveness and grace. Was it easy? No way. The evil one still tries to bring it to mind and rile us up. But God is greater! We trust Him and know that He is walking with us every step of the way. May His peace rule in your heart. May He ease your pain and wrap you up in His love. Thank you for sharing something so personal so that others may learn from it. I’ll be praying for you.
Sue, what a beautiful, beautiful testimony! Thank you for sharing it – and for your prayers. <3
I am a pastor’s wife and sadly understand this situation all too well. I have been hurt by someone in our church, but cannot move on because my husband is pastor. It is very difficult to minister to the ladies due to the action of this one lady. She puts herself in the positions of a pastor’s wife and often I am pushed aside. I leave church many times hurt and even angry.
Oh, Joan! I am so sorry! What a difficult situation to be in… have you had the opportunity to read the book, Leading Women Who Wound? It may give you some ideas on how best to respond to this woman. Here’s a link to the post I wrote about the book: https://womensministrytoolbox.com/book-review-leading-women-who-wound/
Sharing is part of the healing. I too, along with my family, were hurt by the church. At first mamma bear was ready to assist as needed, but fortunately realized that was not the response needed. Prayer is a great part with my all day talks with God. See, I also work and serve at the church. Time and patience is needed in these situations.
Carolyn, I am so sorry you, too, were hurt. You’re right, time and patience make a difference. We do have to be very careful about who we share and what we share. We do not want to gossip or slander another, which can be easy to do when we are hurt. I’m thankful for a couple of close, trusted friends that prayed for us and our situation.
Thank you for your story. I went through a very hurtful time. I wrote my story many times and God has refined me every time. Unfortunately, that church has continued to repeat their ugly treatment of members. Sometimes you are in the position to socialize with those who didn’t defend you or perhaps they supported you from a distance. I finally came to realization they have to answer before God. Their words had cut so deeply and caused division. I have been in my current church for several years and thankfully have not experience any hurtful times.
Denise, I am so sorry you were hurt… You’re right, sometimes if we God leads us to leave a church we may still encounter the people who hurt us. So thankful God has refined you and placed you in a loving church home. Thank you for sharing your experience. I pray it will be an encouragement to others. <3
Thank you for this! Having been in a similar place a few years ago, I wish other leaders had been given this info so they could have known how to treat me and others like me. You put into words how I would have liked to be welcomed into a new group. Thank you for sharing this hard learned lesson in order to benefit God’s kingdom.
Oh, Allyson… I am so sorry you’ve been hurt too. Thank for your comments. God will use it all for good as we both seek to be a soft landing space for others who have been wounded. <3