I recently had a friend start to share about an incident in their church that happened last year. Feelings had been hurt. Deeply. Gaping wounds had not yet healed.
Before she got into the details of the situation, I told her I didn’t need to know. I really didn’t want to know. She understood and asked me to pray for healing for those who’ve been hurt.
It grieves me to hear stories of believers hurting one another. We all know how we should behave and treat others, but we don’t always practice what we teach and what we preach.
I got to thinking about all the times and ways in which we unknowingly hurt each other in the church and specifically in women’s ministry.
If we can shine a light on the things we unintentionally do that hurt others, we can keep ourselves from making that same mistake with someone else.
This list would make for a great Women’s Ministry Team discussion – just be sure to set firm rules that names are not shared, gossip is to be avoided, and fingers are not to be pointed.
You might be surprised to discover that your team is guilty of one (or more) of the following 10 things. Together you can create an action plan.
Or perhaps you just need to pray and ask God to reveal any area in which you have unknowingly hurt another.
10 Ways We Unknowingly Hurt the Women in our Church
1. We undervalue their efforts – Everyone wants to be appreciated.
2. We overvalue someone else’s efforts – diminishing theirs.
3. We don’t communicate in a timely manner. Strive for 24, but no more than 48 hours.
4. We assume. Whether it’s a level of spiritual maturity, Bible knowledge, room location, or event information, we think they already know.
5. We under communicate. Send reminders. Publicize your events everywhere and in every way you can.
6. We hold back. We don’t share our hurts, our wounds, our trials, our mistakes. Our women mistakenly think we are perfect and/or can’t relate.
7. We get caught up in the details and forget the person.
8. We overprice our events. Our retreats and conferences are so costly that they consistently leave out a segment of our church body.
9. We forget to stop, drop, and pray. We continually come into contact with women that need prayer RIGHT NOW. Grab a corner and close your eyes. Pray before hanging up the phone.
10. We shut them out – we close our Bible studies and don’t let them join in mid-session. They have to wait until the next sign-up for a mentor or a Secret sister.
Now I may be able to write up this list, but that does not mean I’m not guilty of 2 or 3 or 4 (or all) of them!
Please hear my heart on this. I am not trying to make any of us or anyone on your team feel less than. I do, however, think it’s important to reflect and assess how we’re doing and look for ways in which we can love the women God’s blessed us with better.
It may be that God has not highlighted anything for you in this post. But if He has, will you prayerfully respond to what He’s put a finger on?
Your turn to share: Did your toes get stepped on? Maybe one of these things has happened to you? Is there something you’d like to see yourself or your team do better?
You may also want to read:
Letting Go of Perfect
Excessive Decorations
How can we keep cliques from harming our ministry?
How to Alienate Visitors
I have hosted four Women’s events since last November.
I like to do free special activities for the women who cannot afford much.
In an effort to involve more women, I have asked others for help and we make it a team effort.
Now my pastor embarrassed me by saying I have been doing everything myself.
The things I do are my gift to the women. I encourage others to have fellowship and to be friended. I will continue but was humiliated. Do you think he wants me to stop?
Sambo, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. is it possible it was a compliment and not a criticism? Perhaps he is unaware that so many others have helped. I would not assume he wants you to stop. If you are concerned, I’d suggest setting up a meeting with him.
Can you just imagine Jesus telling us we have to wait until such and such a time to have a relationship with Him? I believe we need to allow ‘late comers’, if you will, to join a Group at any time! What if they just heard about it? What if they just came in to the church? What if circumstances in their life changed and they desperately needed other women for support and friendship. I feel we need to be more accommodating to others in our churches. To be a ‘Christian’ means to be ‘Christ like’. If we can’t be that way in our churches, then WHERE?
I love the post l have been asked to head the women’s group at church
How exciting, Helen! I’m so glad you found this post helpful. <3
I was just reading “Great Commission Christian Women” before reading this blog. I fully believe after sharing the gospel it would be wise to prepare new converts as soon as possible for offensives. Warning how the enemy will always bring someone bye to cause offense and how to deal with it.
I throughly enjoyed both articles and believe we should do all that we can to not offend. If we know we have seek a way to make it right as soon as possible. I truly appreciate your ministry. Thank you!
Prima, that is a great point. New believers often wrongly believe that life as a Christ-follower is easy, but we know it’s not! Thank you for your comments.
Cyndee, this is spot on! While there may be some people who just don’t care much for the feelings of others, most just don’t realize it when they hurt someone else. I would never want to hurt someone else, but I am sure there have been times where I have. I have personally never really been hurt in women’s ministry, but music ministry is another story, so there’s potential for church hurts wherever we serve. We just have to try and be more sensitive to the feelings and needs of others than we are to our own, and press on, loving and serving and extending grace at every opportunity. Some of the things on your list were very eye-opening. Thank you so much for sharing!
Nicole, thank you for your kind comments. Any church hurt hurts…I’m so sorry for your experience but thankful for the advice you’ve shared!
Overall I think this is a well thought out list, but not sure I agree completely with number 10. In a small church with limited people and resources I do not see it working well to have somebody join mentoring mid year. As far as Bible studies I think they should always be open at any time.
We have began a mentor program in our small church (180 regular attendees) this last year with training to equip our mentors. Because of the limited number of spots we announced it saying spots were limited for those who wanted to be mentored and that we would fill them first come first served. We announced it a week before sign ups during church and had flyers passed out and posted around church too. We honestly would not have more women available to mentor if somebody came mid year. We will begin a new cycle next year and we hope and pray God will raise up more women to train/equip them to mentor/disciple other women.
We do have a counseling pastor and his wife to deal with greater needs.
Yes, cliques can hurt others, and the ones in it never realize what is happening. Referring to themselves and their friends as “their tribe” can cause hurt feelings, or simply the feeling of being left out.
Teresa, that reminds me of high school… praying God would soften our women’s hearts to those outside of their circle.
*beyond ha ha!
How ironic you had to apologize for potentially hurting Carleen. 😉 This post was clearly written for ministry leaders; not every woman in the church. Even small churches have a variety of woman at different spiritual levels, and many of those woman deal with past and present hurts. It makes so much sense to think about the “little” things that might make women feel undervalued and unimportant. It matters. As leaders, I believe we are called to sacrifice- to go above and behind- to LOVE, and if that means holding a hand, walking slowly, or being mindful of sensitive souls, then WE DO IT. Saying that they are butt hurt is rude, insensitive, and, frankly, un-Christ-like. How patient and good was Jesus to his disciples when they weren’t getting it? He’s our example. Thank you, Cyndee, for helping us be mindful of these unintentional, but potential ways we may hurt those in our care. I just discovered this blog and it will be my go-to “tool box.” PS It seems snarky, but I just have to add (pet peeve) that “a lot” is two words. Always.
Oh Darlene! Sending you cyber hugs! 🙂 I’m glad you “get it”. Your comments were on point. Thank you for your kind and encouraging comments! You’ll never know how much they mean to me…
I love your heart and appreciate your efforts but all of these 10 things are just things we humans all do to each other all the time. There is no way we can possibly accommodate every person and allow for every dynamic and anticipate every persons every need. The Bible talks alot about offense and instructs us clearly about how to deal with it. It tells us that Great peace have those who love HIS LAW, (Gods Word) and NOTHING shall offend them. It tells us to outdo one another in love. It tells us that ONLY by pride cometh contention. Your post here is in reality what hurts women, it is the kind of post that justifies butthurt. Not at all suggesting that real hurt, and real offense, and real pain doesn’t happen in church. Deep wounds from Christians is a constant, and yet it is Gods will for us to acquiesce, die, crawl up on that cross and endure with grace, forgiveness, and faith all kinds of gossip, poverty, hurt, offense, and poor behavior. To list out 10 reasons we should and can all be hurt is detrimental. We dont need to be told we are victims. Ever. We are all born loving ourselves too much and loving others too little. Its in our DNA to list out all the ways we are hurt…..it is Spiritual and otherworldly to consider things bigger, and more important than our own feelings. it would help us more to write about how to react to this 10 scenarios….with lowered expectations, motivation to change the poor behavior, Christian maturity and love.
Carleen, I am so sorry if this post offended or hurt you, that was not the intent.
lord hear our prayers….. start with acts then continue on to the next books , the lord clearly tells us about how the church should be and how we should be with each other … we know we are not perfect but by his grace he will let us know what we are doing wrong and help us be better servants and have a sensitive heart and ear to those sisters , ladies lets just do better and do GODS will , lets keep the world out side of our doors , learn what HE teaches us and spread the good word ok .. ok ,, peace of the lord to all my sisters in christ!!!
Alice, that was beautiful… thank you!
I worked in a church for 34 years , four half years I took horrible verbal harassment from the priest and his two secretaries mind you all the years that I had been in the church with other priests in my valuations was top notch . I went to human resources I even went to the bishop and the saddest part of all that nothing was done 2 1/2 years ago I had to resign because of my health . Now I suffer motional distress that I can’t seem to get another job because I fear verbal harassment that I go to panic attacks . My therapist says that I suffer from Identity disorder since I was a Director for so many years and I loved my job . One day god will place me wear he needs me. I pray for anyone that’s has been hurt in their church.
Cary, I am so, so sorry for the pain and suffering you have and continue to endure from the church… how awful and how unChrist-like. Praying for God to heal you completely and to place you in a position where you can be loved and appreciated. Hugs to you…
EXCELLENT article!!! So much truth and insight. Thank you for this post!!!
Thanks Gina! Hoping it will help us all to be more aware.
I was one of those who got hurt in the Church, and my family as well. We left and wandered from Church to Church for Seven years, I thought God told us to go back, and we did just to find it more difficult than before. I am a Minister, and I see the hurt all over the place, and I try to help, but the wounds are so deep they want let anyone help them, so I pray for healing on a daily basic. Thanks for this message I needed this. God bless you!
Oh Becky…I am so sorry… thank you for sharing your experience. I am praying God uses your experiences for good! Hugs to you sweet sister in Christ!
The church also hurt women on a whole other way, “unknowingly” might be debatable in this case. My church uses a Course & workbook “Principles of Christian Living” as a kind of Standard or Christianity 101 for new members. It’s also Mandatory Course if a member wishes to become ordained. It outlines Doctrine based on scritpure. Porcedures, Right & Responsibilities of Members & Leadership. There is a whole chapter devoted to Church Discipline. For some reason my church is either not equiped or flatout refuse to practice the God ordained procedure of Church discipline. I am a woman hurt by my church for the lack of leadership in the area of repeated willfull sin in my marriage & the dead fruit that false repentance has produced in the last 1.5 years. They go only as far as Praying & laying of hands but not “2or more” and no public denouncement of the behavior. The church is glad to have rising membership & to feed the needy but not to nurture a marriage that is fractured by the abuse of one spouse on the other.
Oh Carolina…I am so, so sorry for your experience… Yes, unfortunately there are many ways we can be hurt in the church. Praying God will lead you to the help and resources needed…
I think there needs to be an 11th…..don’t let your group form cliques. That’s as destructive as any of the above don’ts.
Great addition! Yes, we definitely need to do everything we can to keep our group from forming cliques. Unfortunately, it’s something that happens often and is very hard to stop!
Just FYI, the Letting Go of Perfect & Excessive Decorations links at the bottom of the article both direct you to the excessive decorations post. 🙂
Thank you for letting me know, Micinlia. I was away at Youth Camp last week, but it’s fixed now. 🙂
Timely topic that’s been on my mind lately! I pray the Lord opens our eyes and hearts.. that we may become more like HIM. Thank you, Cyndee for sharing!
Rhodi, I join you in praying for us all to have open eyes and hearts. I am thankful that God has already been making you more sensitive to the women He puts in your path.
Great list, Cyndee! I would add one that is specifically on my mind today, after our first women’s summer study last night: We as leaders forget how sensitive some women are (for whatever reason) and we don’t give them a personal invitation, ask them to sit by us, make an effort to talk to them, personally ask them to help. We can only do what we can do, but we need to ask the Lord to make us sensitive to those women who need that extra effort from us.
Debby, thanks for adding to our list! That’s a great addition and reminder. Praying God will give us each eyes to see, ears to hear, and a sensitive spirit toward our women.