Preparing for Hard Conversations in Women’s Ministry

Below you’ll find the show notes for episode 98, Preparing for Hard Conversations in Women’s Ministry, from the Women’s Ministry Toolbox Podcast.

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Today I’m wrapping up our mini-series on loving our ladies well. We’ve talked about practical things like coordinating meals and care packages. In my last post, we talked about avoiding spiritual shortcuts.

Today we’re going to talk about how loving our ladies well means having hard conversations. Unfortunately serving in women’s ministry means you’ll need to have hard conversations.

As I thought through the different types of hard conversations 5 came to mind.

1. Church staff/Pastors
2. Gossip
3. Accountability and Training
4. Correcting biblical errors
5. Counseling

Before we walk through each type, I want to remind you and me:

1. We need to be attentive to the Holy Spirit – especially when it comes to the time and place we have hard conversations. Not every offense requires a response.
2. We need to follow the example set out in scripture.

Matthew 18:15-17 (ESV) says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

What does that last verse mean? He should be to you as a Gentile and tax collector? A quick look in a commentary revealed it means that they should be treated as an outsider.

Not every situation will need to be escalated beyond a one-on-one conversation, but when there is a sin that needs to be addressed, please take the time to follow the biblical path for conflict resolution.

Additionally, I want to mention that many, if not all, hard conversations require discretion. Your team rarely needs to know the details. Protect the privacy of the women in your care.

Let’s talk through some examples and I’ll share some tips for helping those hard conversations go smoother.

1.Hard Conversations with Church Staff/Pastors

What types of hard conversations might you have with your church staff or pastors?

• Asking for a budget or a budget increase.
• Requesting your pastor address a specific topic.
• Asking them to help mediate a conversation.

It’s not tattling to make your pastor aware if a woman in your church is being extremely divisive and disruptive. They can’t address what they don’t know. It goes back to Matthew 18, if talking one-on-one yields no results, taking two others might include your pastor.

In the last few months, I have had a couple of different women’s ministry leaders message me about a specific woman in their church that were causing a great deal of division. In each case, I asked if their pastor was aware of the situation. If someone is trying to harm the flock, your pastor needs to be aware and be given the opportunity to address it. Those aren’t easy conversations and you may feel like you’re being petty. Are you loving the women in your church well if you allow it to continue?

2. Gossip

Leaders often joke about gossip that’s veiled as a prayer request. We joke about it because it’s often true.

Gossip can be so prevalent in our churches that it can seem overwhelming or pointless to address.

We want our events, meetings, small groups, and Bible studies to be safe places for women. That means having hard conversations about gossip when it occurs. If there is a woman in your church who is a regular source or spreader of gossip, I want to encourage you to address it. Start one-on-one in person.

When you create and share guidelines for your group discussion or prayer requests, remind your group members that they don’t need to share a lot of details and that they are not to repeat what is shared to others.

If you need more help in this area, check out this post on 10 ways to put a stop to gossip.

3. Accountability and Training

We are all works in progress and none of us are perfect. There will be times when you need to lovingly and graciously correct and encourage women on your team and women who are serving at your events.

Several years ago, my women’s ministry director at the time, let me know that the rest of the team needed to see and hear my heart more. Due to the time restraints at one of our meetings, I had said something (possibly on more than one occasion) that had come out harsh and pointed. Instead of coming out caring (which I was), it had been received as judgmental and flippant. I’m sure she wasn’t thrilled to have that conversation with me, but it was something I needed to be aware of and something I could work on, but not if I didn’t know how my comment had been received.

Here’s another example, if a woman at your church feels gifted in the area of speaking or teaching, there may be some sticky conversations as you help her to improve her delivery. If she’s using her finger to point at the audience, she needs to hear that the audience feels personally attacked. She can’t and won’t stop, if she doesn’t know.

If a team member fails to execute a task they were to complete, ignoring the situation could lead to more problems down the road.

If a team member regularly fails to attend your team meetings, you may need to have a hard conversation about if she needs to step down.

4. Correcting biblical errors

While all of these are hard, this may be the one where we struggle the most.

How do you know how to respond and when to respond? There’s a fine line between calling someone out in a group situation and failing to correct false statements or ideas. We don’t ever want to shame someone, but we also don’t want women to leave with an incorrect understanding of scripture.

Be attentive to the Holy Spirit. Consider the issue of timing and your audience.

• Is this something that needs to be correctly immediately (say something related to salvation or core biblical doctrine)?
• Can you follow up with a correction the next week when you meet again?
• Can you clarify or explain in an email after you’ve had a chance to talk to the person who made the error?

As the leader, you are responsible for making sure that your teachers, speakers, and group leaders share biblically accurate information.

Not long ago I was at an event where someone in the group shared some things that were not at all in line with scripture. The leader of the event was appalled and she quickly tried to remind the group what God’s Word does say.

Dealing with False Teaching on Social Media

As you scroll through social media, you may have a woman in your church share about a book or resource that contains false teaching. It would be easy to just keep scrolling, but can I encourage you to pray about if and how you should respond.

You may have heard me say before I have my list of my hills to die on. There are certain books and topics I will speak up on without fail. I always start with a one-on-one conversation with the women in my church. I don’t circle back and post links in their comments on their personal page.

If it were a post in our church’s women’s ministry Facebook group, I would promptly remove it and follow up with them one-on-one. Check out my post or podcast on discernment for more information and advice for dealing with these types of situations.

5. Counseling

Counseling Conversations can be hard conversations.

We shouldn’t let unbiblical behavior go unnoticed. Sometimes God uses us to get women the support, counseling, or help they need.

We need to be prepared to make referrals to trained biblical counselors.

Your church staff should have a list of counselors they recommend. Most of us lack some basic counseling training. Don’t be afraid to ask your pastor if you can attend a class or a workshop. They may have some insight on the best resources for biblical counseling training in your area. Hopefully they’ll cover the cost.

I’d also suggest having a list of trusted, biblical books on different topics that you can pull from easily.

A couple of semesters ago, I took a class on Counseling Women. Dr. Kristin Kellen was my professor and she wrote a book called Counseling Women: Biblical Wisdom for Life’s Battles. It was an incredibly helpful book with advice on counseling a wide range of topics and situations. The end of each chapter had a list of recommended books.

As you counsel women, you need to know what your legal obligations are. Your church staff should be able to give you advice based on local and state laws in your area. If a woman in suicidal or being physically abused, you may be the person that needs to contact local authorities. If time allows, immediately contact your pastor so they can be aware of the situation and offer guidance.

These situations can be hard and scary. Years ago, I sat on the kitchen floor with a friend who was suicidal while I waited for her husband to come get her to check her into a hospital. Thank God he did. She needed medical attention and help arrived before she did anything drastic.

Feeling overwhelmed?

Not every week or every month will require you to have hard conversations.

If you’re tempted to turn in your resignation and pass the burden onto someone else, I want to remind you God is with you. He will give you wisdom and discernment if you ask. The Holy Spirit can guide your words. Even if you mess up, there can be forgiveness and restoration.

Here are today’s Toolbox Tasks:

1. Review these 5 types of hard conversations with your team.
2. Discuss or role play how to handle a couple of specific examples of hard conversations that they may need to have as they serve on the women’s ministry team.

You may also want to read:
10 Tips for Resolving Conflict
How to Put a Stop to Gossip
Discipleship and Discernment
How to Minister to Spiritually Mismatched Women
How to Love on Women Who Have Been Wounded by the Church