Below you’ll find the show notes for episode 85, Navigating the Dynamics of Control in Women’s Ministry Leadership, from the Women’s Ministry Toolbox Podcast.

Navigating the Dynamics of Control in Women’s Ministry Leadership

I like to be in control. I like to make a list and check each box. I like things to go according to my plan.

I’ve been a controlling leader and I’ve sat under some leaders who liked to be in control.

In this post, I’ll be sharing tips and advice for both sides of this equation – the leader who likes to be in control and those who are serving under what some may call a controlling leader.

My Embarrassing Story

But first, let me share a cringy story about my need for control.

Many, many years ago, the team I was leading hosted a conference at our church. We invited a team of well-known women to put on the conference for us. They shared about our conference in an email and the response was overwhelming. Women traveled from 7 other states to come to our church for this event. I put a lot of pressure on myself and my team to bring our best.

I borrowed the idea of placing each attendee’s name under an attribute of God from another event I had attended. We prayed that they would experience God in that specific way during our weekend.

I delegated this project to one of my team members who had her 6-year-old daughter help her decorate the boards. I should have left them alone, but I was embarrassed by the final product and I took them and fixed them. I warned you this was cringy.

In that moment, I failed to stop and think about how this team member who was a dear friend would feel. At the event, she let me know how much I hurt her and she graciously accepted my apology.

My pride almost ruined our friendship.

I still feel the weight of that rash decision to this day and I’m so glad God hasn’t let me forget. When I’m tempted to overstep, God reminds me of this past carelessness and insensitivity and I’m usually quick to reign myself in.

Leaders and Control

While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do our best for the women in our church, we have to be careful we don’t cross the line into overbearing or controlling.

Control is a heart issue.

We might micromanage our team because we don’t trust them to do a good job.

We might make all of the major decisions ourselves and delegate the smaller tasks because we believe our way is the best and they might make a different decision.

We may withhold information because we don’t want to be questioned or judged.

We might fear failure, so we remove that option from the table by doing it all ourselves.

5 Pieces of Advice for Leaders:

1. Check your heart. Examine yourself and ask God to reveal if there are areas in which you aren’t trusting Him or trusting your team.
2. God has placed each woman on your team. Unless they’ve proven themselves to be untrustworthy, your role as a leader is to help them develop and use their gifts.
3. Give your team members the freedom to make different decisions than you would make. What’s an area of planning for your next event that you can hand over completely? Cast the vision, share the budget, and give your leaders the freedom to follow the Lord’s leading. I expect you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
4. If you’re doing all the tasks yourself because you say don’t want to burden others, please get to the root of the reason you’re not utilizing your team.
5. Transparency can build community. Share the details you can, especially when asked. When you show your team behind the scenes, it builds trust. If your team doesn’t know what your women’s ministry budget is for the year or each event, share that with them. That knowledge will help them be better stewards too.

Team Members and Control

Let’s flip the script and look at this from the point of view of the team member who’s feeling micro-managed or bossed around.

Before I share 5 pieces of advice for you, I want to do a bit of a reality check.

• A leader who creates an agenda, follows a schedule, and makes plans in advance is not a control freak.
• A leader who studies, prepares, and practices the teaching or devotional she is going to share is also not a control freak. They might be gifted differently than you.
• A leader who studies, prepares, and practices the teaching or devotionals she’s going to share is also not a control freak.

I’ve heard some leaders share that they don’t want to make formal plans. They just want to let the Holy Spirit lead, but that’s not the examples we see in scripture. God set aside a time of preparation for Moses, Joshua, Abraham, Paul, the disciples, and even Jesus. The Holy Spirit guides our preparations. Your women desire and deserve the advanced efforts your team leader and every team member have made.

If your leader has said no to your request for a specific resource, a book, a speaker, or simulcast, you might be tempted to think, there they go again, they’re just being controlling. Can I caution you not to use that word quite so quickly?

Dealing with discernment issues is tricky, and there’s a good chance your team’s not going to agree on who’s solid and biblical and sound and who’s not. As your women’s ministry team leader, ultimately, she is responsible for the choices that your team makes. She is going to be held accountable by the church staff if a resource it’s found not to be sound and solid.

While it may feel and even come across as they’re being controlling and not letting you have any input, can I encourage you to ask why they have concerns, ask what their concerns are, and take them to heart.

Those aren’t easy discussions to have and I’m almost certain that they’ve spent a significant amount of time researching and investigating to come to the decision that they’ve reached. Utilizing discernment and saying no to specific authors, books, musicians, and the like, while it may not be received well and may not feel great, It’s rarely, if ever, an issue of control or pride. It’s really their desire to protect the hearts and the minds of the women at your church.

If you’re serving under a leader who appears to have control issues, what are you to do?

5 Pieces of Advice for Team Members:

1. Pray for your leader. Ask God to give you discernment. Check your heart. You may be misinterpreting accountability as control.
2. Be trustworthy. Do what you say you’re going to do and do it with excellence. Remove any need for your leader to do your job for you. If a problem does arise, go to them as quickly as possible to ask for help.
3. Pick your battles and your hills to die on. If your leader has a strong opinion on a seemingly minute detail, choose unity over division.
4. If this behavior has become a pattern, you may need to address it. A trusted mentor can help you decide if their behavior needs to be addressed. If so, Matthew 18 provides the framework for handling conflict. After spending time in prayer and seeking the Lord’s leading, go to them and kindly share your concerns. Don’t expect an immediate apology or recognition of their behavior. They may need time to reflect and unfortunately, they may need to hear it from others before they see it as a problem to address.
5. Acknowledge and appreciate the times she does delegate tasks and allows others to use their gifts.

I did a quick search on Open Bible for a verse to wrap up this post. When I searched for verses on control, 2 Timothy 1:7 topped the list. Paul, in the opening of his letter to Timothy, is encouraging Timothy’s faith. In verse 7 Paul says, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

At first glance, you might think this doesn’t quite fit, but I think it’s perfect. When we cross the line into being controlling, fear is often the root of our behavior. We don’t want to disappoint the women in attendance. We want to be viewed as capable and successful, but we come off as controlling. Love and self-control are always the better path to take.

God’s placed in your church many gifted women. When you allow them to use their gifts they flourish and grow. They can reach people with the good news that you might never reach on your own.

Today’s Toolbox Tasks:

1. Check your heart. Are you being controlling? Are you overreacting to a leader who’s gifted with administration and is putting some accountability into place? Are your concerns valid?
2. If needed, confess and repent.
3. Prayerfully consider how God wants you to respond to what you’ve heard today.

You may also want to check out:
Must-Read Leadership Books for Women’s Ministry Leaders
Serving with the Love of Jesus Monthly Team Devotionals
5 Great Benefits of Women’s Ministry Training
How to Plan a Women’s Ministry Team Retreat